The morning after

Today has been long and it’s only 10:15 am.

My heart feels like it’s been stretched out. It’s full but tired – as if it’s been running.

How fantastic it was being with you in your space again, sharing kisses and little smiles, smelling your sheets.

It’s always been so easy to lean against you, but this time it feels different.

As though I am heavier,

but brighter.

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Things that keep me from sleeping

I wonder if you ever noticed that I chew on my toothbrush until the bristles stick out sideways. Or if you ever saw me drooling while I was sleeping.

I wonder if you remember the day I took those pills and didn’t answer my phone and you were so worried. Or the time my anxiety was out of control in Trader Joe’s and I hadn’t taken my Lexapro and you had to talk me off my ledge.

I wonder if you remember the way my hair smells or the way I clean countertops or the way my legs feel tangled with yours.

I can’t wait to see you.

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Like a moth

Today I am trying to protect myself.

Things are shifting and I feel it is all I can do to preserve my energy and my heart.

Nothing is out of control,

but everything is churning inside me and I have to be still and allow myself to feel it all – without allowing it to wash me out.

I have to stop comparing myself to other people because I am not other people.

I am on my own terms here,

on my own wave.

I am delicate right now,

like a moth.

And that is perfectly fine.

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*insert heart emoji*

Happiness has been on my mind almost constantly lately. How it looks different for every person but has this very general label we all are chasing. The pursuit of happiness. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a facade. Actually the past two years or so I was almost completely convinced that it doesn’t exist for anyone; we all just fake it to each other and ourselves and some people are better at it than others. But I knew a chick in high school that I was mean to because I envied her persistent, authentic happiness. It drove me crazy. (Sorry Hydie)

For some people it’s being able to travel, for some it’s dancing in a club, for some it’s being a parent. For some people it looks like a deep connection to their faith. For some people it looks like having a lot of followers, or a lot of shit. Material things. For some people it’s having a lot of sex, or food, or drugs. For me, it’s a lot of love.

Someone once said that they believed I am the kind of person who will always be in love. I at first was kind of taken aback because I’ve always considered myself to be a fairly independent person, but I realized soon that they were right. I’m a romantic, and a depressive one at that. Love is the best thing I have ever felt. A real true connection with someone is so fucking rare and I have had it in my life and it is the most wonderful. ¬†For me it’s completely consuming.

But you can’t chase love. You can’t just make it happen, it does not come easy, it will not give way to force or pressure. It either exists, or it does not.

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Being sick on Saturday should be an actual crime

I’m looking out the window at the sun peeking through the clouds from my damn bed where I will probably be all day. My whole body hurts, I have a hacking raspy ass cough and I can’t even really smell the eucalyptus I’ve been diffusing all morning or taste my Jamba Juice. The misery is real and palpable over here folks. I should be out day drinking or something.

BUT! Being the big walking cliche that I am, I’m choosing to examine and highlight the positives of this situation and list them to make myself feel better and refocus my energy.

  1. I’m finally going to finish Mad Men. I stopped watching the show after my ex and I broke up because we used to watch it together and I was avoiding any and all reminders of the relationship, as one does. I also couldn’t keep slamming dirty martinis and smoking cigs inside, which every episode would trigger me to do lol. But now, I have taken the show back and am almost done with season five which I’m really enjoying. Megan is a babe, Peggy is still one of my favs, Joan is back and Don Draper is as hot as ever. Pete Campbell: still a douche bag.
  2. I have hella time to internet! I plan on making a few playlists, putting together my Instagram that I’m going to link to this blog, answering emails I’ve been putting off and then probably read some missed connections on Craigslist because it’s a favorite pastime of mine.
  3. Naps. I’m thinking at least two. Nobody gives you shit for napping when you’re sick. And honestly, anyone who gives you shit for napping when you’re not ill shouldn’t even be in your life. Snip snip, cut em out, everyone is entitled to a guilt free nap.
  4. I’m also going to organize my bookshelf and pull out some stuff I want to donate. I have a Barnes and Noble gift card that’s been burning a hole in my wallet since Christmas so I’m gunna make some room for new reads.

Please though, send some healing vibes my way y’all. I could only come up with four positive things and am really not trying to do this again tomorrow.

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