It is coming

One day, you will radiate. You will exude happiness, you will vibrate on a different frequency.

Hope will move from a far away place and plant its roots in your bones. You will tremble with meaning and intent.

The smile on your face will not be fake, the laughs will be authentic and they will hurt your stomach.

The drinks will be sweeter, and not be as necessary.

You will breathe again, inhaling love instead of smoke.

Hold on tight; the day is coming.

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The morning after

Today has been long and it’s only 10:15 am.

My heart feels like it’s been stretched out. It’s full but tired – as if it’s been running.

How fantastic it was being with you in your space again, sharing kisses and little smiles, smelling your sheets.

It’s always been so easy to lean against you, but this time it feels different.

As though I am heavier,

but brighter.

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Like a moth

Today I am trying to protect myself.

Things are shifting and I feel it is all I can do to preserve my energy and my heart.

Nothing is out of control,

but everything is churning inside me and I have to be still and allow myself to feel it all – without allowing it to wash me out.

I have to stop comparing myself to other people because I am not other people.

I am on my own terms here,

on my own wave.

I am delicate right now,

like a moth.

And that is perfectly fine.

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Being sick on Saturday should be an actual crime

I’m looking out the window at the sun peeking through the clouds from my damn bed where I will probably be all day. My whole body hurts, I have a hacking raspy ass cough and I can’t even really smell the eucalyptus I’ve been diffusing all morning or taste my Jamba Juice. The misery is real and palpable over here folks. I should be out day drinking or something.

BUT! Being the big walking cliche that I am, I’m choosing to examine and highlight the positives of this situation and list them to make myself feel better and refocus my energy.

  1. I’m finally going to finish Mad Men. I stopped watching the show after my ex and I broke up because we used to watch it together and I was avoiding any and all reminders of the relationship, as one does. I also couldn’t keep slamming dirty martinis and smoking cigs inside, which every episode would trigger me to do lol. But now, I have taken the show back and am almost done with season five which I’m really enjoying. Megan is a babe, Peggy is still one of my favs, Joan is back and Don Draper is as hot as ever. Pete Campbell: still a douche bag.
  2. I have hella time to internet! I plan on making a few playlists, putting together my Instagram that I’m going to link to this blog, answering emails I’ve been putting off and then probably read some missed connections on Craigslist because it’s a favorite pastime of mine.
  3. Naps. I’m thinking at least two. Nobody gives you shit for napping when you’re sick. And honestly, anyone who gives you shit for napping when you’re not ill shouldn’t even be in your life. Snip snip, cut em out, everyone is entitled to a guilt free nap.
  4. I’m also going to organize my bookshelf and pull out some stuff I want to donate. I have a Barnes and Noble gift card that’s been burning a hole in my wallet since Christmas so I’m gunna make some room for new reads.

Please though, send some healing vibes my way y’all. I could only come up with four positive things and am really not trying to do this again tomorrow.

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Today’s Late Afternoon Collapse

I sent an email to my ex (the one who broke my heart at the picnic table) about a week after our relationship fell apart. He didn’t reply and I assumed that he probably wouldn’t – but I had things I needed to say to him regardless.

Ya’ll. I just opened my email and boom. There it was. Two minutes before I had logged on, his reply had landed in my inbox.┬áIt has been WEEKS.

I honestly feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach and I’m trying really hard to remain calm because I don’t think I can fucking handle this right now, not even a little bit and now I am so scattered. Do I reply now? Do I wait? Do I reply at all? Should I finally just let this fucking go and let this amazing man move on to someone who can love him in the way that he needs? Do I drive to his house? Should I take a Klonopin?

10/10 currently losing my shit. In desperate need of a hug.

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